Changing Us by Brooklyn Taylor

Author:Brooklyn Taylor [Taylor, Brooklyn]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2017-06-19T18:30:00+00:00

*****

My neurosurgeon had warned me that I could start feeling down in the dumps, and that was exactly what happened. Dr. Chen had seconded that, ensuring that it was normal but to let either of them know if I was feeling thoughts of suicide. I smirked at his remark, thinking that would never cross my mind. They had warned me of the potential to fall into a hole and not able to dig myself out. Yeah … I understood that now. I felt like total shit, and it was hard to even go about my daily schedule. The steroids had a lot of negative effects, and he was right. Not to mention the reality that I had a tumor in my brain. Yeah, that would depress anyone. I had no energy and dragged ass but had to at least walk to the park today. I had to get out of the apartment; otherwise, I would just sit and wallow.

Every night, I struggled with insomnia as I thought about all the things I hadn’t yet done, and all the things I wanted to do.

Then it turned into the things I had done in my life.

When I finally fell asleep, the same dream played over and over on repeat. Elise standing over my coffin begging for me not to be dead.

Every time, I woke with a jolt. Reaching for her, I’d pull her near and pray that the reality of that was later rather than sooner.

The mind was a strong trick player, and when it wanted to think something, it did it.

I began to avoid being outside, avoid leaving our apartment, even refusing to go to dinner or out to Terry and Carol’s. We had planned to start looking for a place in Humble, but now … it might just be easier to stay here. I really didn’t have the energy, and Elise was getting more and more frustrated with me. She didn’t understand how the normal outgoing person who always wanted to be outside had been reduced to someone who barely left the bed.

I didn’t expect her to understand, and I couldn’t find the words to make it make any sense. She was trying her best to do whatever she could but was failing miserably. I couldn’t tell her what I needed her to do because I didn’t know.

My life had started to slip away, and I began to withdraw from anything breathing.

And that was when the thoughts started. I had seen the change in my body and felt the pain that had begun to take over. The very same headaches that I couldn’t show Elise because let’s face it, my poker face was worse than any gambler.

If she saw me suffer, she would suffer.

I would not heal from this, no matter what my wife’s hopes were, and it was time to prepare her for a future without me.

And that killed me.

I didn’t want to leave her. That thought hurt me more than any amount of pain my body was physically going through.

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